Homecoming
 

Sarah smiled to herself as she heard, from the distance, a snort from some horses, for she had noticed various animals tied under the shelter of the few trees that spotted the landscape.

It was a typical circus scene. Elephants moved lethargically as they consumed their hay. Horses brushed away flies with irritated flicks of their tails. From behind the big top, she heard the occasional roar from a lion or tiger. The continuous chatter of monkeys came from somewhere close.

She made out the faded sign ‘Office’ on the door of a caravan, and walked purposefully towards it.

The afternoon performance had finished, so there was no sound. Even the fair organ was momentarily silent.

She drew in a calming breath and tapped nervously on the door of the caravan.

There was the squeal of a chair being moved and footsteps heading towards the door.

A man with a well-trimmed moustache and neatly groomed hair appeared, a cautiously friendly expression on his face. His eyes traveled leisurely over her legs and moved up to take in the swell of her breasts. Having savored all that her white blouse revealed, he finally looked into her eyes. “What can I do for you, beautiful?” he asked, rewarding her with a generous salesman’s smile.

Somewhat unnerved by this frank appraisal, she asked nervously, “I believe a Tony Bullock works here.”

“Maybe. What’s it to you, darling?”

“I need to see him.”

The man looked at her speculatively, He chuckled. “Haven’t heard him called that in years, we just call him Clown.” He thoughtfully rubbed his angular chin. “And what do they call you, darling?”

Not knowing how to take this man, she murmured, “Sarah”.

“Well, Sarah, I have no idea why anyone would want to see him but, after all, it’s a free country. See those caravans over there?”

She nodded.

“Well, you go down to the red caravan, that’s Karl’s, the strong man and,” he added as if as an afterthought, “to the left, by itself, you will find the one is owned by the clown.”

Sarah thanked him, and quickly followed the directions she had been given.

Before the red caravan, was a giant of a man reclining lazily in a banana chair. He was busily mending his costume with needle and thread.

Sarah felt his eyes savouring her body as she had walked past, and was amused as she heard him yell in pain. She turned and saw Karl sucking his wounded finger. Serve him right, she thought to herself. He should learn to keep his eyes on his own business.

She then went to the grey caravan. She felt relieved to have escaped the angry giant, but there was a large punching bag hanging on a tree beside this one. Were they all violent characters here, she wondered.

Her hands felt clammy as she reached out to knock on the door. She took a deep, calming breath as she waited.

She could hear nothing from inside the caravan, so she knocked again, louder this time, wondering if, maybe, she should just go away and forget why she was here, standing in a paddock, knocking on a small grey caravan with the smell of animal manure pervading the whole area.

There was the sound of a bottle being knocked over, and a glass falling to the floor. Then a face peered out from behind the partially opened door. The face was that of a man aged around fifty. It sported no expression, the eyes that regarded her appeared to be looking into nothingness.

“Yes” he mumbled gruffly, and then waited, poker-faced, for her to reply.

Sarah looked at him, trying to seek out some compassion in those eyes, and said, “Tony Bullock, I need to discuss something very important with you.”

He looked at her but said nothing.

It began to rain.

Sarah looked at him in despair as the rain began to penetrate her light summer clothing. “I am getting wet. Please let me come in and talk to you.”

The man blankly regarded her for a long moment, then slowly opened the door and whispered, “Okay, but it’s a little messy.”

She entered the untidy caravan and wished she were at home drinking a cup of coffee in her comfortable loungeroom.

The man pushed the junk from one of the bench seats to join a pile of dirty clothing. He removed the pile of letters, some open and some not, from the table and inefficiently wiped the surface with a grubby cloth.

Sarah sat down and Tony sat himself on the seat opposite her, his eyes never leaving her body for a moment.

She handed a letter to Tony. He took it without a word, but made no attempt to read it.

“The letter is from a solicitor stating that me, Sarah Bullock,” she explained hesitantly, reciting the legalese which she knew by heart now with suddenly dry lips, “the daughter of Mary Bullock and Tony Bullock has been left all the property and monies of Mary Bullock following her death.

To Sarah’s surprise and embarrassment, tears began to roll down Tony’s cheeks. He regarded her with genuine sadness. Slowly, she stretched out her hands and covered his with hers. He made no attempt to pull away from her.

They looked deep into each other’s eyes in silence as the rain noisily clattered on the caravan’s roof.

The sun slipped below the horizon. The unlit lamp that sat on the table echoed the surrounding darkness.

Inside the van, the piles of dirty clothes on the floor slowly disappeared into the darkness.

Sarah looked at the man she had found at last, her father who had disappeared many years ago. “Dad, I have been looking for you for over five years,” she murmured. It was the first time she had addressed a word to him in more than twenty years.

Tony looked at her sadly, his eyes attempting to pierce the darkness. “I have spent many years in torment, wondering if you were okay.” He sighed. “I am so very happy you are so beautiful, and my daughter too.”

“Please tell me what happened to you and mother,” Sarah asked him.

Tony tried to recall the events all those long years ago when he had first met Mary. He attempted to recall happenings, like flicking through a photo album that captures those special moments you treasure forever.

He got up and, after much fumbling with shaking fingers, he lit the lamp on the table between them, the dirty glass only permitting a glimmer of light to escape. “Your mother and I used to work at the same building,” he replied reminiscently. “I was just a lowly filing clerk and your mother was a secretary. We never met until the office Christmas party.” He smiled and looked at Sarah.

She said nothing, but motioned for him to continue.

“The office was ready for the big day,” he went on. “There was music from a small band, streamers and even mistletoe above the doors. Waiters and waitresses with large silver trays zoomed in like birds full of fish to feed their young. There was so much food!” He laughed. “And, of course, drinks. I am not very comfortable with people, so I decided to sit at the back of the room and watch the goings on. Couples were laughing and hugging each other. Some couples even sneaked into the corners to have a snuggle.” He sat back and surveyed Sarah cautiously.

“After a couple of hours,” he went on, speaking more confidently now that she hadn’t interrupted him. “I needed to go outside for some air. The party was beginning to become so loud and boisterous. Ladies were shrieking with laughter and men were trying to show how important they were by shouting louder than the next one. I can tell you, Sarah, it was like being at an auction!”

“And you preferred being quiet,” Sarah remarked understandingly. “But what about my mother?”

Tony nodded, and gently squeezed his daughter’s hand. “I am about to tell you. The full moon beamed so brightly that darkness was not able to cover all with its dark veil. The stars were out and twinkled brightly, it was such a beautiful night.”

The lamp on the table flickered and then went out.

Sarah preferred the darkness. She had always been attracted by the magic of the night.

“I looked at the beauty around me.” Tony went on, a harshness entering his previously gentle voice now. “A short distance away from me, a group of men from the party were gathered in a circle like a pack of wolves. They were jeering and pushing something around to each other. Then I heard a female scream from the middle of the circle. Before I knew it, I was running towards the scream. The men saw me immediately, and one man snarled at me like an angry wolf, telling me to go away and mind my own business.”

Sarah chewed her lip, but said nothing. There was simply nothing she could say.

“I stood there in front of them,” Tony went on, “and had taken my boxing stance to show them I had no intention of leaving. Without warning, they attacked me like a pack of wolves. It all happened so fast. I remember the sounds of thuds as my fist contacted flesh, the groans...and then it was all over. The moonlight was like a spotlight shining on only me and your mother.”

Tony had begun to shuffle his feet under the table as if he were trying to escape from the memory of this event. He swallowed, then continued to tell his story. “Anyway your mother was not hurt, just terrified...like a baby bird that has fallen out of its nest. I gave her my hand and she took it and held it tight, whilst she sobbed uncontrollably on my shoulder. I went with her on the bus to her home. All the while, she held on to my hand. When we reached the door to her flat she looked at me with those beautiful eyes of hers and, with her hand, she gently pulled me in. We made love. It seemed so natural and was so beautiful.”

The only sound in the caravan was the patter of rain on its roof.

“I never saw her again until a few months later,” he remarked dully. “Then, one day, Mary came into the main office, looked at me bitterly, and told me I had ruined her life by making her pregnant.”

“And the result of that pregnancy was me,” Sarah observed softly

He nodded. “So we were married, but I never felt she was happy. I still have nightmares of those bad times we had together and the way she looked at me like the way a cat looks at a mouse before the kill. So, one day, I took the first plane out going anywhere. I saw the circus and decided to become just one of the circus folk. So here I am...just a clown going nowhere.”

Sarah felt the tears begin to fall. “The sad part is that the day after you left, my mother felt so terrible and desperately wanted to ask your forgiveness. She looked for you for many years before she could finally accept that you would never be together again. “Dad!” she exclaimed. She never stopped loving you. The day before she died, she took my hand and made me promise that if ever I found you that I would tell you that she always loved you.”

The rain began to slam harder against the caravan roof. The only sound in the caravan for a very long while was the clock ticking in the darkness of the night.

And then, out of the darkness, the fair organ could be heard, thrusting the darkness aside with its blaring sounds.

Tony’s fingers fumbled on the dirty surface of the table to find the matches in order to relight the lantern.

It responded with a long hiss, like a snake being disturbed. The hissing stopped as a small flame began to flicker to life. Soon a flame began to dance in the confines of the smudged glass of the lamp.

Sarah felt she was being pulled out of the darkness, to sit amid the flickering shadows that bounced off the walls of the caravan.

Tony looked at his new-found daughter and whispered, “Sorry, but I only have one hour to get ready. The show must go on,” he added with a wry grin.

She returned his smile. It was time for her to leave.

“If you would like, I can obtain a free ticket for you to watch the show. Of course...” he added nervously “...you will have one of the best seats, one which is cushioned.”

She had just time to nod her head in agreement before he had another idea. He rummaged inside a narrow cupboard at the back of the caravan. His eyes sparkled as if he had found a treasure as he held up an old coat, which he allowed to unfold for Sarah to see.

“The big top becomes cold, even on a summer’s night,” he explained. Though his thoughts were more concentrated on the men who would stare up at her legs as she sat innocently on the circus’s bench seats.

Sarah obediently put on the coat before they both left his caravan to get a ticket for her.

Tony knocked authoritatively on the office caravan’s door. The screen door opened. Chris’s head popped out of the narrow opening of the door like a Jack-in-the-box. His eyes registered disappointment to see that Sarah’s body was now hidden behind an old grey coat.

Tony explained to Chris, “This is my daughter, Sarah. She requires one of the best seats for tonight’s performance.”

Chris quickly composed himself and replied, “Of course, Tony, my friend, Sarah should be treated like the princess she is. If you like, she can stay with me until the shows starts. I will let her see the scrapbook that was started way back in 1930, when the circus first got going.” Chris hide a lubricious smile as he opened the door for Sarah to enter his caravan and take a seat. He didn’t entertain young women of this quality every day of the week. Was she really Tony’s daughter, he wondered.

Tony had no choice but to leave Sarah with Chris in his den of sinful ways, but was pleased he’d remembered that dowdy old coat. He hoped it would make her less attractive to him.

Chris rummaged around and found the scrap book. Whilst she flipped through the pages of photos, he began to ply her with questions.

“Where did you park your car?”

Not suspecting she’d done anything wrong, she waved her hand in the direction where her car was parked and replied, “Near that big tree, just after you turn left from the main entrance.”

He muttered something under his breath, then explained, “Your car will, by now, be knee-deep in water with all this rain.” He saw panic transform her face. So to put her at ease he remarked, “It’s no problem, one of the elephants can pull it out for you tomorrow. I am sure your Dad will let you stay in his van until morning.” If not, he would be able to find room for her in his bed.

Sarah began to feel like a boat on a rough sea. Large waves of thoughts began to buffet her back and forth. She enjoyed the feeling of being safe with her father, but worried what he would say if she asked him if she could stay the night.

She was finally seated on one of the best seats. She felt like a dove looking down on the world from the safety of her strong branch. Above her, the top of the tent had been patched where the wind had tried gain admittance, though the lights strung along the sides added a festive feeling to the scene.

Every seat was filled. There were people of all ages. Sarah found the excitement of the children infectious as they waited for the show to begin, her mind full of seeing her father again after all this time.

Tony began his customary pre-show ritual.

He took off his shirt, and carefully bound his fingers with white bandages. He faced up to the punching bag and all the pain from his memories once again began to surface.

He delivered a vicious punch to the bag, followed by a continuous pounding. From the distance the fair organ could be heard, muffled by the sound of the continuous rain.

He was trying to bury all his pain deep inside the bag, so that he could survive yet another day.

The onslaught went on for some thirty minutes before he was satisfied, gasping for air.

And then cars started to arrive, like moths heading for the brightest light, bringing the night’s audience, music from the fair organ promising to make everyone’s dreams come true.

He returned to his caravan, and slowly began to transform himself into a clown.

For the first time in twenty years, there was actually a smile for him to mark with the bright red grease paint.

He went to the outside of the big top and checked on his tiny, poker-dotted car.

Now he just had to wait until it was time for him to enter. To enter the big top and to be swallowed whole, like a small insect from a hungry fish.

He knew his ears would be flooded to the beat of the music, the muffle of voices and the outburst of laughter. What he feared most, were those eyes, all lined up in rows watching, judging and trying to see deep into his soul.

Sarah had gasped when show started and the elephants entered the big top. Six huge animals that moved to the instructions of their trainer.

When one elephant raised its massive foot, she squirmed in her seat as she thought of her stranded car. Her car that was sinking deeper, deeper into the dark depths of the water. A elephant’s foot could crush its roof as though it were an egg shell.

The clapping of the audience brought her back to the show in time to see the elephants leave, their mouse-like tails appearing to wave goodbye to the audience.

A tractor and trailer was driven into the arena. Men scrambled in all directions, shouted and yelled at each other as they moved pipes and gates to build a cage.

Whilst they were doing so, a clown drove into the arena seated on a too-small car. It was so small that his chin rested on his knees.

The children in the audience loved this. They clapped desperately, as though trying to attract his attention to them personally. They screamed with delight as he uncurled his body and waved to the crowd. He seemed to choose special individuals to wave too.

The clown moved closer to the crowd and let people in the audience smell his beautiful yellow daisy attached to his colourful coat. But when they did so, a squirt of water came out of the bud. The gentle spray covered a mother’s face who squealed with astonishment. There was surprised anger on her face, but it slowly dissolved away and she laughed.

After a few seconds, she raised her finger and, like a teacher scolding a child remonstrated, “Naughty! Naughty!”

Now, when he invited the audience to smell his flower, they looked at him, pulled back and repeated, “Naughty! Naughty!”

Sarah, sitting high above them, laughed with the audience. She felt very proud that the man disguised as a clown was also her father.

After milking the crowd for all it was worth, the clown moved back to his car, curled up like an echidna in it, and waved goodbye to the audience. A mixture of happy and sad faces waved back. Some still laughing about the flower and others were obviously sad he had to leave.

Suddenly, there was a loud bang and smoke billowed out of the car. The clown grabbed a large fan and furiously blew the smoke away. Looking puzzled, he opened the car’s engine and looked inside. There was much laughter when he pulled out a pair of old boots and an assorted of bits of pipe, large nuts and bolts. Some children counted with the clown as he pulled things out. “One thing! two things! three things! four things!”

Even the adults found it hard not to laugh as the events unfolded before them.

Next, he went to one of the large poles which supported the big top, where he found a number of buckets. He came back with one. Everyone expected him to pour water on the engine to cool it.

There was laughter when he poured marbles into the long-suffering engine. Then he nodded thoughtfully and waved to them as he went to fetch another. He puffed and groaned with the effort as he carried it in the direction of the audience. With a malicious grin, he threw its contents over them.

There were squeals of terror as they expected to get wet, which turned to laughter as only small paper scraps floated down over them like snow.

The clown curled up into his car again, and went to start it.

No one expected it to start, as they knew that engine was full of marbles. But it started and, after executing a victory lap of the arena, he pulled through a gap in the side of the big top and disappeared into the darkness outside.

The ringmaster entered and flamboyantly announced the next act. There were now lions in the cage that had been constructed in the arena. The lions roared in annoyance that they were there and not in their quiet cages.

Sarah stayed and watched the whole show, fascinated by the excitement that unravelled below her.

o o o

Meanwhile, Tony was in his caravan drinking cheap red wine from a retrieved Vegemite jar that had been saved and rinsed clean. He wondered if Sarah would come back and say goodbye. In his hand he held a gold ring. It was his wedding band. His thoughts once again played out those events so many years ago.

He heard the unmistakable sounds of the show drawing to a close. He sighed. She would simply leave. He would never see her again.

The fair organ was now silent.

There was a light knock on the door, and a voice came out of the darkness, “Dad I need to see you.”

This time, he quickly let her in. He managed a nervous smile.

Sarah told her father of her plight, “My car is axle deep in water and cannot be rescued until the morning. I need somewhere to stay, or transport into town so I can catch a bus home.

He looked at her, still marvelling that she had returned to him - even if it were only to ask for help. “This van has two beds,” he replied gruffly. “You can stay here, if you like.”

Sarah smiled, still keeping her feelings in check. But this was just what she had dreamed of: spending some time with her father.

He told her to open her hand. Sarah did so. He placed the wedding ring in her open palm and said, “I want you to have this, Sarah.”

Sarah was immediately overwhelmed. She reached up and kissed him as a tear rolled down her cheek.

As if on cue, the rain stopped and a contented silence filled the caravan as father and daughter held on to each other.

- Gardenmouse  
Canberra, Australian Capital Territory, Australia.